Monday, August 20, 2012

How to make a long run fly by...

Plot your run so that it takes you around a pond you've never been to in a park you've never been to. Do it because you think the greenery and change of scene will distract you. Do it also because running to the pond from your front door and back makes a perfect six mile loop.

When you get to the pond, check your pace and your breathing. You'll be a little sweaty, a little out of breath, but all in all right on target for finishing six miles. Look around while you run. Wonder why you never thought of running here before. Wonder why you ever thought of running in the first place.

Notice you've gone around the pond twice instead of once, but only after you've seen the seventh familiar looking face also running around the pond. Realize that you don't know which road off of the pond will take you back to where you live. Run around again just in case you remember which road brought you to the pond. You won't.

Ask someone that you aren't sure is a woman or a man how to get back to where you live. Follow their directions until you end up on a road taking you to a town that's not your town. Turn around. Find the pond. Run halfway around it and turn down a road that sounds very familiar.

Realize that the road is not familiar at all. Approach three women walking three dogs. Ask how to get back to where you live. Watch as they all grimace and say, "oh boy, you're going the wrong direction." Don't get too upset because you still haven't hit six miles so it's okay if you need to turn around. Listen as they tell you to turn left, no to turn right. Pet one of the dogs. Wonder why dogs like running so much. Listen to your iPhone app announce your plummeting average miles per hour and curse your poor sense of direction. Decide to take directions from the woman with the nicest hair. Wonder why your own hair will never look that nice.

Realize half a mile down the road that you should have taken directions from the shortest of the women. Remind yourself that good things come in small packages. Turn around. Again. Find the pond but don't go near it. You'll have run five miles by now and you won't have even noticed. Thank Jesus/God/Allah/Buddha/no one you have only one mile left to run. Pray to Jesus/God/Allah/Buddha/no one that you're not too far from where you live. Curse Jesus/God/Allah/Buddha/no one when you realize you are.

Ask a sweaty couple how to get back to where you live. They'll tell you to um follow a road past two small-ish ponds and make a ri-left. Decide they're perfect for each other because they're both wearing striped shirts and blue shorts and they walk in sync with each other. Thank them and decide not to take their directions because not only are they sweaty, they're also indecisive.

End up back in the park, but not near the pond. Come to a fork in the path and take the one that looks shorter. Wonder whether it was the longer of the two paths or if the person on the other path runs faster than you. Realize it's the shorter of the two paths and the other person runs faster than you.

Decide to just keep running until you've reached six miles regardless of where it takes you. Pick up speed. Hope that you're going in the right, general, direction.

Stop running because you've run six miles. Congratulate yourself and decide that the best way to run six miles is to not know where you're going or where you are. Think about writing a book for beginner runners on the trick to long runs. Think about writing a blog about it instead. Pull out your iPhone to map where you are. Laugh out loud when it shows that you're 2.7 miles from your apartment. Call your mom. You've got a long walk ahead of you.

1 comment: